I now understand why people just want a kid or two.
I don’t think people are prepared enough for the amount of devotion you need to cater for an infant. Once you commit to it, there’s no going back. You have to deal with a helpless infant- a suicidal crackhead toddler- a lousy pre-pubuscent- a foolish teenager who thinks she’s mature- and a young adult with questions.
See? You’re many pieces in this puzzle that makes a whole human being. For what reward? It’s subjective. You have to define what that reward is for yourself.
Back then, more children meant more wealth literally. Because you had more hands on your farm.
Also, more kids meant more soldiers as a deterrence or to win wars.
The reward has been streamlined to subjective pleasures. Not necessities. So, I now perfectly understand why people may not want kids.
For women, it is tough.
Say a lady who had a timeline of what she wanted. Get married at 25, have 2 kids by 30, become Director at 35. Looks good on paper right? I think only superhuman mothers with enough help can attain that. If you work white collar jobs and your promotion is dependent on your presence and high productivity then I can almost certainly say that it’s near impossible to achieve both at the same time.
Except you make peace with not being a present mother (which some do and is awful by the way), then it’s almost certain that leading a top position in an organization is a far reach. At least, not at the same time with being a mother to really young kids.
There are people with more flexible jobs. People like content creators who can skillfully make their ‘mommy journey’ a paying job. But that’s less than 0.01% of women.
In a modern world where some are climbing their career rungs, making money and looking good, you look at your shirt, and you have pap smears on it. Your second baby sucking and biting your tired nipples. Your skin walls, parched with vibrant cellulite and stretch marks that refuse to go away. A once active memory that stored numbers, facts, extrapolated information on the fly now weary and foggy.
I think people and social media ‘king women’ lie when they say that the care-giving role for women is societal. A child first learns to eat directly from her mother. Her brain tells her that food and comfort come from this particular human. So, women end up biologically with this role. It’s problematic to teach the opposite because women will be led not to be responsible for the choices they make.
And so, seeing these and reading think pieces about wives having their own money to avoid disrespect are enough to question yourself. To lose the confidence you once had.
This is why beyond love, women have to choose men who are responsible, selfless, understanding, family-oriented and plain sensible as partners. You cannot compromise on this.
You may become miserable if you have to care for your infants whilst living with an unhelpful husband. The domino effect of miserable women and irresponsible men raising kids are now more reflective in our world more than ever.
If you decide to get married, this may be the most important decision of your life.
It’s also good to understand how to make peace with what you cannot change. To understand the implications of what you choose so that you can prepare for it. To learn how to make do with what’s your new reality. To give yourself and others more grace. And to find little bouts of happiness in anything because happiness may no longer be spontaneous- it may now be a well timed sleep, or a solo evening walk.
Being a mother is purpose enough. Find your own fulfillment in it.
You may have all you want in life, but maybe not at once.